Ever have those days (or nights) when your soul just seems to be crying out for more? You aren’t exactly sure what is going on inside, but you know there’s something deeper going on…you pray, you dig, you try to wipe away the cobwebs of your mind and inner being…but you just know you can’t sleep…tears run freely and you are sad but you aren’t…you are happy but you aren’t…your soul is …searching.
Allen and I had the wonderful privilege of a few days off in Myrtle Beach this past weekend through Tuesday. I think this may have started it. I had the “week from hell” at work just before we went. Things are extremely busy. No one is happy in their job. Everyone is finding fault and blaming and there are many smiles and surface conversations…but no true friendship…no meeting of the souls.
We met friends there. In Myrtle Beach. They are from Vermont. We were from Vermont. We used to call each other up, go to dinner, tour cheese factories, go sailing, go boondocking, share moments. This past weekend was a re-entering into that friendship that seemed to be put on hold when we left Vermont for North Carolina to find work and be near children. As we walked down the beach …step, slide, step, slide…our footprints left dents soon filled in by water and sand…we passed there, but only moments later you could not tell it. In many ways I feel that way about life. I am so grateful that I am on this side of the inner turmoil of even a year or two ago…but there are still many questions. Life is so friend-less now. We have people here who love us and enjoy time with us…but we have no one who seeks to be with us like Brett and Amy did. In many of our new homes I would pray for friendship….should you have to do that? Shouldn’t people want to be your friend? Life is lonely on this side …
At work I watch as other ladies go to lunch together…or go shopping or antiquing…I’ve always been on this side of it…watching. I always thought it was me. There must be something wrong with me. I’ve been to counseling this year…I’m learning that it’s not me. I am a good person. I love people. I am pleasant and good company. But I think sometimes people don’t know what to do with me. I don’t crab a lot (just to Allen…poor man) so when they crab to me I am silent. Not because I don’t expect them to crab…but because rarely does crabbing help and I often don’t know what to say. I’m not a good empathizer, I think. I need to say, “I’m sorry you are having a rough day. I understand. I’m here for you.” But I don’t. So maybe my silence is misconstrued as judgment…maybe I come off as too good to be true.
My friend crabbed to me this weekend and ended with “Okay, I’m done venting.” I did tell her it was okay to vent to me. Sometimes we just need to vent. Often I don’t feel I have anyone to vent to…except Allen…again poor man. I wonder sometimes if he thinks I don’t like any of life. I do. I loved loved loved this weekend. I should have been rich. We talked about that. What happened? (smile) I love being busy at work when no one else is around. I love doing a good job in my work even though I could care less if another cleanroom wiper were manufactured or sold when all is said and done for the day.
I love my garden. I love my roses and flowers. I love my children and grandchildren. I love love my church at The Summit. I love counseling. I love Jesus…my Savior, my God, my best friend Who loves me in spite of me and because of Who He is.
So see, soul….we have a lot to be thankful for. Don’t be in turmoil. Even if your footprints on this earth never amount to much…Jesus’ footprints did and have meant everything in your life. Friends like Brett and Amy have meant the world to you. Your children and grandchildren continue to speak to you even though you desire for more of them. You have had some wonderful times with each of them…they have given in to your growth and abundance over the years…the tender times…the hoopla times of rowdy abandon…the quiet times…the dancing in the kitchen times. Even if you never have another time like those…you have had a lifetime of memories with each one to fill you in the dark recesses of you and get you through those nights of no sleep and restlessness.
Yes, that’s it…it is a restlessness of my soul tonight. There must be more. There must be friendships out there like we had this weekend…somewhere….someone to speak life into us…someone to speak life into.
Be still my soul and trust in God.The Lord is on our side. He will prevail. He will not let you be consumed with this life…but will fill you and give you purpose and strengthen and give you peace.