I’m struggling again tonight because life seems to have left the happy behind so there’s very little happy anymore. I remember when I was young thinking how “old” old people were who constantly looked back to happier days. I didn’t understand. I do now.
I loved my child rearing days. I was good at it…very good. I raised respectful sweet natured children who were the envy of those who didn’t know us in restaurants (more than once someone came by to tell the children how well behaved they were) and of those who did know us well. The children were hard workers and knew how to relate to adults as well as other children. I always chalked that up to home schooling, but maybe it was that we expected obedience and respect and made sure it reigned in our home.
Now it is hard to be around children. They are disrespectful and out of control. When I see a child genuinely happy and being good…I am drawn to them … because it is a rare sighting. I don’t blame the children. I blame the parents…too busy schedules so they don’t have the strength to discipline well…bought into the lie that getting things for their kiddos makes them better and have a better childhood…too involved in having more so that their first priority isn’t raising good members of society and most of all not following God on how to raise their children and making sure they are being taught the Word daily.
I read the Word to my children every morning before we started school. Did they always follow it? No. I have sinner children just like everyone else, but I have to believe it made an impact on their lives because I believe God when He says His word never comes back void.
I’m sad tonight because there is little to no relationship with most of my family on either side. I thought when I raised six children that I was raising my family that I would have relationship with; but that hasn’t been the case. When my children struggle or hurt they don’t come to me. I have a hard time understanding this because I didn’t have a mom or dad to go to…they were gone by the time I was 19. I have tried to be there for them…maybe I was too easy on them…especially as they got older and made bone-headed mistakes. One of them told me I should have been more involved during the bone-headed time; but how do you gauge that when they have made it clear they are adults and don’t need you anymore?
So….I’m disappointed in these years. It seems like all my fun is over. There doesn’t seem to be a point in life or purpose. I thought I would be a big part of my grandchildren’s lives, but I’m not. Most of them don’t really want me around. I don’t have Jesus to share with them because either I am too far away or they don’t want to go. What’s the point in life if you can’t share Jesus?
To add insult to injury I see other families way involved with each other. They call and cry and love and share.
I have often hung onto the scripture that if you give up your life for Jesus your family will be His family…that hasn’t been the case either. Oh, I now it isn’t over yet. My pastor preached about Not Yet, Not Fully, Not Finally. In other words…it’s not over until the fat lady sings…and she ain’t singing. It made a lot of sense. I just need to take it to heart and gain some hope from it.