My prayer tonight has been to find a reason to live beyond my children, my grandchildren, my husband and ministry. To understand this you have to know that I have always wanted to be a mom and homemaker. I never desired a job really that put me out in the workplace. Yes…here I am. I took myself off facebook today because I look sometimes a hundred times a day to see what my children are doing…to hear what my grandchildren are doing and saying. That’s not healthy. I had unrealistic expectations that in these golden years we would be full…full of Sunday dinners, full of children, full of love and connection and friendship and need of us…of me. There is none of that. So now I need to find my new peace state where I am happy with myself and with my life. I need to find my reason for living.
At first I thought…well, Allen and I have been together 40 years – 37 years married – so it should be him. But…what if he goes first? My reason would have just left the earth. I have to be okay with me. I have to put into my soul. I have always been the one to put into others, to call and set a time to get together, to text and message. One of my greatest disappointments in life has been that people don’t seem to like me. I am not sure what I do or don’t do…but I will never be the one in that group of women laughing and having dinner with and shopping with other women. I have to be okay with that. I need to continue to be here for others, but I also have to take care of myself. I’m not sure what that even looks like because taking care of myself was always in taking care of others. But now I’m empty. My soul is pretty dark and shriveled up right now. Life looks dark and uninviting. I miss my kids. I love them so much and they will never know the depths of my grief over them until we get to Heaven.
So these are my thoughts tonight. I am not sure where this journey will take me. But I know I have to take it to survive. My dark night of the soul has been so long…I never struggled really knowing my place in college or beyond…it was mapped out for me. But now the map is meandering and not defined.
I can’t tell you where I’d be if I didn’t know Jesus. He is the foundation and the only reason I have stayed this long. I hope I please Him even now as I struggle and wish things were different.