Hi all…if you have followed me here, please go to deepbeneaththemask.com and follow me there. I am changing my venue by going through bluehost.com and would love to have you keep following me there. 😀
Every once in awhile in my job at “The Wipe” I ask a customer how their day is going. I get the response, “Ohhh…living the dream.” lol We laugh and exchange pleasantries…often mentioning how close or far away the next weekend is. Sometimes one of us will remark about how we are “wishing our lives away.”
To be honest…the American dream often feels like it is a long way away; however, when I learn more about other countries and how others live; I realize that my “dream” may have been a little high for me…and I am still living among the richest 2% even though I don’t own my own home and have bills to rival the national debt.
There is a little lady I will call “L” who calls me in my business at “The Wipe” to ask questions or give information about her orders. I just love her voice. When I hear it I am immediately in my “happy zone.” “Hellooooo” she drawls in her northern sultry deep voice….and I immediately know it is my friend. Now, I have never met “L” other than on the phone, but even in her most frustrated, stressed times…we connect. I find it odd that I connect with someone several states away more than I do with those around me. Maybe it is the anonymity that helps us get beyond whatever is going on around us to have 2-3 minutes of friendship. I think it is a Godsend though…because that one “happy zone” will sometimes get me through 2-3 days of an extremely stressful job.
Thanks, “L”, for taking me out of “The Wipe” even for just a little…to connect with a “friend” whom I’ve never met.
My prayer tonight has been to find a reason to live beyond my children, my grandchildren, my husband and ministry. To understand this you have to know that I have always wanted to be a mom and homemaker. I never desired a job really that put me out in the workplace. Yes…here I am. I took myself off facebook today because I look sometimes a hundred times a day to see what my children are doing…to hear what my grandchildren are doing and saying. That’s not healthy. I had unrealistic expectations that in these golden years we would be full…full of Sunday dinners, full of children, full of love and connection and friendship and need of us…of me. There is none of that. So now I need to find my new peace state where I am happy with myself and with my life. I need to find my reason for living.
At first I thought…well, Allen and I have been together 40 years – 37 years married – so it should be him. But…what if he goes first? My reason would have just left the earth. I have to be okay with me. I have to put into my soul. I have always been the one to put into others, to call and set a time to get together, to text and message. One of my greatest disappointments in life has been that people don’t seem to like me. I am not sure what I do or don’t do…but I will never be the one in that group of women laughing and having dinner with and shopping with other women. I have to be okay with that. I need to continue to be here for others, but I also have to take care of myself. I’m not sure what that even looks like because taking care of myself was always in taking care of others. But now I’m empty. My soul is pretty dark and shriveled up right now. Life looks dark and uninviting. I miss my kids. I love them so much and they will never know the depths of my grief over them until we get to Heaven.
So these are my thoughts tonight. I am not sure where this journey will take me. But I know I have to take it to survive. My dark night of the soul has been so long…I never struggled really knowing my place in college or beyond…it was mapped out for me. But now the map is meandering and not defined.
I can’t tell you where I’d be if I didn’t know Jesus. He is the foundation and the only reason I have stayed this long. I hope I please Him even now as I struggle and wish things were different.