I’m reading a book by Grace Fabian, missionary to Papua New Guinea. Several things have struck me…a good part of it has brought tears for it is a story of tragedy and forgiveness. It has struck me that through it all her family and her missionary family has stuck with her and their friendships are both godly and grace filled and forever.
It’s made me look over our life. I can’t say I have any forever friends. I hear of others who have 40 and 50 year friendships and wonder what that would be like. I’ve never had a girlfriend stick with me through thick and thin. We’ve never had couples who were team workers and mentors. Allen would have one man come and go in his life over the years. And me too…but never someone who called or wrote and kept up with us. Many have given up on us rather than keep up relationships.
I am not sure why this is so…my own mom didn’t have a lot of close relationships, but she had ladies she would have in for Bible study and those she would go to tea at their house or sit and knit with. My life has been void of a lot of that. Even in our churches where I would lead large groups of ladies…I would notice that they never sought me out and if I wanted anything to do with them…I would be the one who would have to call or make contact.
I think everyone desires for someone who will seek them out. I am not good at this myself. I feel like if I am seeking someone out then I am putting them out to tell me no or risking being rejected. Maybe I’m a coward at heart.
I’m so thankful that in my relationship with God He has sought me out. He LOVES spending time with me. He never judges and gives up…even when I don’t make time for Him. He’s always waiting…and never rejects when I suggest we spend time together.
I heard a speaker years ago talk about the importance of having close relationships in ministry … four or five couples at least…people to share life with, share your story with, share your hurts and joys and disappointments and griefs with. We have never found those who want that with and for us. I see others that have that; but it is not our experience or ours to have. Even the groups we have been in here in NC have dissolved because people were too busy and it wasn’t important enough to keep on meeting.
Our family has always been far away…both sides so there is no real connection there other than blood and for those that are Christians we have that bond…but relationship is really not there much. I remember my older sisters calling mom every night to touch base and check on her.
One thing I’ve learned in counseling is we are created for relationship. So what do you do when relationship is not there? There is loss and grief and when you see it in others…there is sadness and contemplation that maybe there is something wrong with you. If no one ever seeks you out…if no one wants a relationship…what does that say? It says you find it in Jesus. He becomes more. He becomes enough. My heart still yearns and wonders if we had had these relationships like Grace did for all these years..where we would be and what things would be different.
Overall, life has been pretty lonely for us. We used to have long term friends we would spend holidays with…but they gave up on us a long time ago …or me, anyway. I keep waiting for that abundant life scripture talks about to show up. Each day I go to work with dread…not the “abundant” I was hoping for. I can understand older people now who look back to the “olden days” when things were better. I remember back to when my children were young and at home and those were my abundant years. I’m so thankful for them.
Just some thoughts…dark thoughts…but they are deep beneath the mask as my blog is titled and need to come out somewhere. So here they are…to float in cyberspace and linger on the wind.