Dark Nights Of The Soul -Thomas Moore

“And so we are left with a great battle, not between good and evil, but between really living and just pretending.  Both the righteous and the evil avoid life.  They don’t have the subtlety to understand that good and evil are the yin and yang of existence. Anyone passionate about life is neither all good nor all evil.”

“Perhaps the dark night comes upon you from inside or outside to wake you up, to stir you and steer you toward a new life.  I believe this is the message of most religions, and certainly it is the gist of Christianity and Buddhism.  Your dark night may be a bardo, a period of apparent lifelessness that precedes a new birth of meaning.  Maybe your dark night is a gestation, a coming into being of a level of existence you have never dreamed of.  Maybe your dark night is one big ironical challenge, just the opposite of what it appears to be– not a dying, but a birthing.”


My children

Sometimes a Mama can’t be there for her son or daughter.  It’s a big day…something important…and your heart is there…but your body has someplace else it has to be.  I’m finding as I grow older this is more and more the case of my Momhood.  I live near three of my six children and two of my nine grandchildren and still I can’t be there for those who are right in the same town I live.  I hate that.  Sometimes I think I was born to be a mom.  To me it came naturally.  I grew up loving my dolls, dressing up my Thomasina cats in doll clothes and strolling them around in my carriage.  I taught all my dolls and stuffed animals on the couch lined up like little students.  I adored Momhood.

Nancy Reagan died this week.  What a wonderful woman.  She said, “My life really began when I married my husband.”

I thought a lot about that today.  In many ways that was true.  I often speak to my husband of almost 35 years of “my other life” before him, or when we were first married, or when the children were little.  They all seem like such distinct lives.

My oldest daughter, Christine, talked this week of watching her children when they weren’t looking and thinking how beautiful they are.  I remember so clearly of doing the same thingmany times…it was like time stood still during those moments.  They were in deep concentration coloring or thinking with their head in their hands and their tongues hanging out of their mouths.  And I’d smile and think how perfect they were.

I have beautiful children.  They are sweet, and cordial and courteous.  They love God and each other.  They are my glory that I pass on to my Savior for His glory.  If it were not for Him and His grace and His coaching and His parenting and His love and His mercy and His forgiveness and His strength and Him – period- we would have nothing.

He is the reason I can be okay with not being there for my daughters or my sons when they need me or want me.  I heard something the other day about how “My mother taught me everything except how to live without her.”  In a lot of ways that is true and will always be true.  I lost my own mother at 19.  I can’t imagine and my heart aches for what she went through that couple of months when she knew she was dying and her little girl, her youngest, was just barely nineteen and not ready for her to go.  What pain.  She was brusque.  She was harsh.  Now I understand.  She was heartbroken.  She was helpless.  She was dying inside way before she died outside.  I didn’t understand then.  I just knew I needed my Mama and she wasn’t there.  But she did “teach me how to live without her” in that she gave me my best friend.  She could die knowing that my Father, and His Son and His Spirit would guide me and love and me be there for me every step of the way in this life for all those times she couldn’t be with me…graduation from college, wedding day, every birth, every day I needed to call her and she wasn’t there to call, every birthday….I’ve had an ongoing conversation with the Father and Jesus over the years … I don’t know if they have given my messages, but it’s made me feel better to know that Mama knows that I know … now….that she wanted to be there for me.

So, children, know your Mama wants to be there.  Your birthdays I can’t come to, Easters, Christmases, Thanksgivings, births, graduations, certifications, every special day and every hard day.  Look at your own little ones and when you stop and wonder at their beauty and perfection…remember that is how I look at you.  You are perfect.  You are loved.  You are successful.  You are doing a wonderful job at life.  I pray for you.  Tears stream down my cheeks in the middle of the night for you.  My heart breaks for you…over and over and over. You are Dad’s and my legacy and we are so very proud of you.

Footprints and Sand and Friendship and Restless Emptiness


Ever have those days (or nights) when your soul just seems to be crying out for more?  You aren’t exactly sure what is going on inside, but you know there’s something deeper going on…you pray, you dig, you try to wipe away the cobwebs of your mind and inner being…but you just know you can’t sleep…tears run freely and you are sad but you aren’t…you are happy but you aren’t…your soul is …searching.

Allen and I had the wonderful privilege of a few days off in Myrtle Beach this past weekend through Tuesday.  I think this may have started it.  I had the “week from hell” at work just before we went.  Things are extremely busy.  No one is happy in their job.  Everyone is finding fault and blaming and there are many smiles and surface conversations…but no true friendship…no meeting of the souls.

We met friends there.  In Myrtle Beach.  They are from Vermont.  We were from Vermont.  We used to call each other up, go to dinner, tour cheese factories, go sailing, go boondocking, share moments.  This past weekend was a re-entering into that friendship that seemed to be put on hold when we left Vermont for North Carolina to find work and be near children.  As we walked down the beach …step, slide, step, slide…our footprints left dents soon filled in by water and sand…we passed there, but only moments later you could not tell it.  In many ways I feel that way about life.  I am so grateful that I am on this side of the inner turmoil of even a year or two ago…but there are still many questions.  Life is so friend-less now.  We have people here who love us and enjoy time with us…but we have no one who seeks to be with us like Brett and Amy did.  In many of our new homes I would pray for friendship….should you have to do that?  Shouldn’t people want to be your friend?  Life is lonely on this side …

At work I watch as other ladies go to lunch together…or go shopping or antiquing…I’ve always been on this side of it…watching.  I always thought it was me.  There must be something wrong with me.  I’ve been to counseling this year…I’m learning that it’s not me.  I am a good person.  I love people.  I am pleasant and good company.  But I think sometimes people don’t know what to do with me.  I don’t crab a lot (just to Allen…poor man) so when they crab to me I am silent.  Not because I don’t expect them to crab…but because rarely does crabbing help and I often don’t know what to say.  I’m not a good empathizer, I think.  I need to say, “I’m sorry you are having a rough day.  I understand.  I’m here for you.”  But I don’t.  So maybe my silence is misconstrued as judgment…maybe I come off as too good to be true.

My friend crabbed to me this weekend and ended with “Okay, I’m done venting.”  I did tell her it was okay to vent to me.  Sometimes we just need to vent.  Often I don’t feel I have anyone to vent to…except Allen…again poor man.  I wonder sometimes if he thinks I don’t like any of life.  I do.  I loved loved loved this weekend.  I should have been rich.  We talked about that.  What happened?  (smile)  I love being busy at work when no one else is around.  I love doing a good job in my work even though I could care less if another cleanroom wiper were manufactured or sold when all is said and done for the day.

I love my garden.  I love my roses and flowers.  I love my children and grandchildren.  I love love my church at The Summit.  I love counseling.  I love Jesus…my Savior, my God, my best friend Who loves me in spite of me and because of Who He is.

So see, soul….we have a lot to be thankful for.  Don’t be in turmoil.  Even if your footprints on this earth never amount to much…Jesus’ footprints did and have meant everything in your life.  Friends like Brett and Amy have meant the world to you.  Your children and grandchildren continue to speak to you even though you desire for more of them.  You have had some wonderful times with each of them…they have given in to your growth and abundance over the years…the tender times…the hoopla times of rowdy abandon…the quiet times…the dancing in the kitchen times.  Even if you never have another time like those…you have had a lifetime of memories with each one to fill you in the dark recesses of you and get you through those nights of no sleep and restlessness.

Yes, that’s it…it is a restlessness of my soul tonight.  There must be more.  There must be friendships out there like we had this weekend…somewhere….someone to speak life into us…someone to speak life into.

Be still my soul and trust in God.The Lord is on our side.  He will prevail.  He will not let you be consumed with this life…but will fill you and give you purpose and strengthen and give you peace.

Dani’s Flip Flops

Amazing patterns

Handmade By Dani

© Handmade by Dani

Hook 4.00 Yarn PANDA acrylic 8ply
Changes in yarn and hook will result in changes in pattern size.
st – Stitch
slst – Slip Stitch
ch – Chain
sc – Single Crochet
hdc – Half Double Crochet
dc – Double Crochet
rnd – Round
Sole is worked in the round without turning.

Rnd 1
Ch 11. Sc in 2
link from hook. Sc in same link then in the next 4 link. Hdc 1 link, Dc in next 3
links. Make 4 dc in last link, turn and dc in next 3 link. 1 Hdc in next link, 1 sc in next 4 link. 2 sc
in last link. Join with slst.
Rnd 2
Ch 2. 2 hdc in next st. 1 hdc in next 8 st. 2 hdc in next 4 st, 1 hdc in next 8 st, 2 hdc in next…

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